


Nightmare

by Squirrelsatemypizzas



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: I am so sorry, I apologise again in advance, Late night writing turned bad, M/M, also he's like 18 or older js, my muse wouldn't let me sleep until I had written it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-18
Updated: 2014-12-18
Packaged: 2018-03-02 02:40:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2796641
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Squirrelsatemypizzas/pseuds/Squirrelsatemypizzas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Late nights tend to turn dark<br/>Dark as in no sun, and dark as in nightmares and dark thoughts</p>
            </blockquote>





	Nightmare

 I often look up to the night sky. The dark blues that almost seem purple at times calms me. Reminds me why I chose this. Helps me carry on.

But the stars makes me remember the reason whose ashes it is that keep me motivated

 

It's been so long. I can't see his face in my inner eye anymore. But I still remember him. Hair as dark as the forest at night. Eyes like honey dripping from the tree. Smiles as kind and pure as morning dew on grass during spring. Smiles that melts snow and brings promised of sun and summer. And freckles, like dark little stars across his pale skin.

I like looking up at the night sky like this. Even if it makes me remember what happened in Trost, so long ago. Even if I remember that the only reason why I chose this suicidal branch of the military, was because I knew he would want me to. He would have told me that I knew what I had to do, and that I had done the right thing. He would have told me that this was the best choice. I would still have told him it was suicidal. He would have laughed, and agreed.

 

Some nights like these, when I can't sleep, I lift my hand to reach up to the skies, in hope I might touch his freckled skin like I used to. Even the slightest touch would help me when I was feeling down. I remember how I used to run my fingers over his back, trying to count the freckles on his cheeks, and then neck, and some times arms and chest as well. I had nights where I would do it just to keep myself from falling asleep. It was better than the nightmares I sometimes had, about titans finding our camp while we were in the middle of training. He also kept quiet that those nightmares were the reason I was up so early in the mornings. I was grateful.

Those nights where I counted his freckles, might have been what made me start counting stars some years ago, months after what happened in Trost. At that time, I could still remember his face, though, and I could find stars that were identical with his freckles on different parts of his body. I could fall asleep like that, matching stars and freckles. It helped me during nights of nightmares. It would have helped me now too, if I could recall how his freckles were set together.

 

Had I known what was going to happen, sure I would have treated him differently. Maybe I would have been kinder, or softer. I would have appreciated him more, and thank whatever god there was for the moments we had together. I would memorise every touch, the sound of his voice as he said my name, the sound of his laugh when he laughed at my jokes and sarcasm... But of course I was an ungrateful little prick who never thought about what might happen. I was going into the military police and get myself a nice girl, was what I thought. Fuck what else that happens. If I also ended up better ranked than Eren, that would just be a big plus.

 

Armin told me I should try to sleep again. Not sleeping for several days isn't good for you, he said. There are several people, including me, who are worried about you! Tch, who needs sleep when all you see, awake or not, is titans trying to eat people? And who needs sleep if all you see whenever you close your eyes is the bonfire where you burned your best friend's dead body? Who needs sleep when being awake is less painful than sleeping? When whenever you try to sleep, the dreams haunt you? I know I don't need sleep if that's what happens, that's for sure.

Armin then told me even Eren had noticed I needed rest, and that he was also growing worried. Touched, but I can't. I can't sleep. Not ever.

 

If I sit up, I will see the bonfire my teammates have lit for whoever keeps is on duty for night watch. They don't need to do it, I can, I don't sleep anyways. That's what I had told them. They don't believe me, though, and told me to go back to my sleeping bag. One even threatened to knock me out just so I can not be awake for once. They don't need to know the reason why I don't sleep. They don't ask anyways.

 

I stare right up at the sky. The moon is up, and there are a few clouds, but the star keep me company. They help me relax. I don't even want to move when I look up at them. For some reason, the stars are shining brighter this particular night. Breathing out, I can see my breath. I didn't notice it was so cold. The air seems clearer, too. The wind is kind of chilly, but it feels good. My body felt hot anyways, I needed some fresh air.

The moon shines brightly against the night sky, and I notice it's completely round. It's a full moon. That's always a pretty sight.

The stars slowly seem to be lulling me into some sense of peace, too. I haven't felt this calm in a long while. I don't even feel angry at my teammates for not letting me take the night watch. I feel like I honestly wouldn't care if Eren was there. He wouldn't have bothered me. This might be something new for me.

 

It doesn't take long until I lose sense of time and place. All that is now, is the night sky. The stars that are like the freckles, and the night sky that contrasts against them, much like the dark freckles contrasted against the pale skin.

I'm standing, somehow, and everything around me seems to not matter. The ground seems nonexistent, for some reason? It's like I'm flying without help from my gear. It feels freeing, to be honest. I could feel like this forever.

Something soft touches my skin, and when I turn my face to see it, I see that it's a pure white, big, fluffy feather, lying on my shoulder. When did it get there? I look to my right, and to my left, and I see nothing but the horizon, with white flats stretching into every direction. The sky is light purple.

I then decide to turn to look behind me. I move unconsciously, and before I have turned my entire body to the side, I notice someone's there. I'm not alone.

The silhouette comes closer, and I soon see a man, maybe a tiny bit taller than me, with pale, broad muscular shoulders, and dark hair. He has wings, and a halo, too. Somehow, this doesn't surprise me.

When he's close enough, I finally notice, and recognise, his face. His hair is still parted in the middle. No longer as round as it used to be, as it has become a bit more square-ish. His cheeks have lost all babyfat he had back when he was sixteen. His eyes haven't changed at all. His freckles are still there, just how I somehow suddenly remember.

His reaction when he sees me is far from what I would have expected. He's unsure. I'm not sure if he recognises me. Might be because of my hair having grown longer, because of this damned mission takin so long. Many months without anything to properly cut hair with changes you.

He finally says my name. I take a step closer, without moving my legs somehow, and nod. His face then breaks. His eyes go wide, he tears up, and starts sobbing. He then grabs me by my shoulders and holds me close, and we finally, after so many years apart, meet each other again. He sobs into my shoulder, and I start shaking as well, and we hold each other like that for god knows how long. Could have been forever. Could have been five seconds.

We don't let go of each other even after our sobs have calmed down. Instead, we loosen out grip around each other a tiny bit, and just hold each other. We finally look up at each other again, and stare into each other's red, teary eyes, and smile. This wasn't how we wanted to meet. But we're finally together.

 

" _Jean, I didn't wish for you to die."_

**Author's Note:**

> I AM SO SORRY  
> I COULDN'T SLEEP AND THIS HAPPENED  
> WHY, MUSE, WHY


End file.
